My leg doesn't really hurt today!

Perhaps because I appear to be numb from the waist down...

Man, so I love me some painkillers. I will forever travel with my own.

So the Master Plan told us we needed to hit the Museum of the Middle Ages, but they were not open until ten for some reason, and so we went to the Louvre instead.

It was REALLY busy by the time we got there. It was not pleasant.

We braved it, briefly, until I found myself in a WHOLE ROOM full of CRAP.

Some guy named...now what was it....

Rembrant. Or something.

Whatta wanker.

Can't even paint the whole canvas...

BAH.

You know who's AWESOME?

Vermeer.

Just sayin'.

Cringing in abject terror, my dad and I abandoned my dear mother there and headed toward the Musee des Arts et Metiers, which is a fancy way of saying science museum. Or specifically, tools and industry and stuff.

It was pretty neat.

It started with ten dioramas of various workshops, built in the 1700's by a VERY enthousiastic teacher.

To give you an idea of scale, those tables were probably about three fingers high, the way you'd measure liquor with fingers.

There was all sorts of little workshops, from a blacksmith, to a potter, to an alchemist.

I gotta post a second picture of this, because it's so cool.

See those glass bulbs?

They're probably about as big as a quarter (not counting the stem).

SICK. BONER.

They were so finely wrought. I don't know if they were original, since I don't read all that much French, and the English explinations weren't very detailed, but even so. Pretty amazing.

It went through all sorts of nuclear stuff and solar power, which was passingly neat, but I didn't honestly care much.

There were some things in this museum that I think they just had displayed because they were given them and didn't know what else to do with them.

Like this gem!

This is made out of primarily ivory, and is carved as a single piece.

It was only maybe four inches across. It kind of made my brain hurt.

Of the visible levels, there are fourteen spheres inside each other.

In case you missed it earlier, THIS WAS CARVED AS A SINGLE PIECE.

There were a number of pieces like this, largely out of ivory, some pieces out of ebony. But mostly ivory.

It's such a pity that in order to obtain ivory, you have to be a real big dick to a pretty nice animal. I would love to try my hand at carving ivory if it didn't involve so much dickery.

Today, I think, has been the day for weird things and penises. I'll get to the penises later.

But the weird things.

So my dad fell asleep on a couch, and so I continued on by myself.

At which time I found a church full of planes and the Statue of Liberty.

I AM NOT FULL OF SHIT.

I even took pictures to prove I saw it.

I am largely as confused as you are.

There was also a giant pendulum, like there was in the Pantheon.

It wasn't QUITE as big, but this was a smaller church.

There were absolutely no explinations for the planes or the statue of liberty, though. It was not the only planes hanging around, though, not the only statue of liberty.

After the church, I left very confused and went to sit on the grass out front and pretend I was back in the mountains.

That probably would have worked better if a parade didn't come marching by.

It turned out to be about eighty children dressed as princesses, princes and (inexplicably) one Luigi that I did not manage to take a picture of.

They were marching down the middle of the street, accompanied by four very enthousiastic drummers and a full police escort, while they screamed: "PRINTEMPS!" (read: SPRING!) at the top of their lungs.

This also confused me. I particularly enjoyed the children with hats that looked like suns and birds, none of which are, of course, pictured here.

After that my dad came wandering out looking dazed and more awake, and I told him about the lovely parade he'd just missed.

We went back to the Louvre to meet up with my mom, and we happened upon this reclining beauty.

AWWWWW BABY.

Such fine workmanship.

Such pearly marble.

Such pert lady-buttocks...

Such...

Wait...

What?

That, my friends, is a penis.

Also boobs.

Boobs and penis.

BOOBS AND PENIS.

In case you aren't convinced, I made sure to take a closer picture.






See?

Terrifying looking penis, I admit, but a penis nonetheless.

I wonder why it's hollow...

I wonder who tried to break it off...

I am suddenly reminded of the lyric: "Six inches forward, five inches back; I GOT AN ANGRY INCH."





Enough of that noise.

I started to notice penises everywhere, on everything.

Or in the case of this poor fellow, the lack of one.

Here is an added fig leaf.

At some point in history, some stupid politician decided all the penis statuary was unseemly, and decided to get everything covered in fig leaves.

I would punch that politician if I could.

Still, at least it's a nice looking fig leaf.











We also found this unfortunate piece of junk:

By junk I mean penis.

Yes.

That is a penis.

That little twisty thing is a penis.

You know what the most hilarious thing of this is?

The actual statuary that this junk belongs too.

There are four of them, and they're all looking down at their slightly mauled junk.





It enabled me to get this beautiful photo:

I will leave you in silence for a few lines to let you truly appreciate it.


















That, my friends, is motherfuckin' art.

Anyway, I need to go to sleep. I am very sleepy.

I will leave you with a picture of the meat-grinder that is the Mona Lisa room:

And to think: that's not even at the height of the day!

G'night folks!